December 24, 2011

Bang-Your-Head-Against-the-Wall-Bad Christmas Carols

Okay, I lied. I'm back. The hubby and I were on our way back from the in-laws and fell into a discussion of THE worst Christmas carols to grace the planet. It's a little funny and alarming all at the same time just how quickly a person can actually come up with a list like this. Put it this way: If you've worked in any type of customer service, food service, or retail type position at all in your lifetime, you probably have a list as long as Santa's beard of Christmas carols that you want to Chuck Norris roundhouse kick into the stratosphere. Here's a small sampling of the carols that pretty much guarantee me a seat aboard the Crazy Train. And just to share the crazy with you, Dear Reader, I've linked every single stinker to a video on YouTube!:

1)  Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town by the Jackson 5 [HERE]
I have nothing against the Jackson 5 normally, but once you've listened to little squealing Jacko a million times on a Holiday from Hell loop, you just can't take it anymore. Believe me.

2)  Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney [HERE]
There are pretty much no words to describe how much this song makes me crazy. It's awful. Just awful.

3)  Last Christmas by Wham! [HERE]
Okay, this band's name is basically the sound of my head smacking against the pavement whenever I hear this unspeakably terrible song.

4)  The Little Drummer Boy by Pretty Well Anybody EVER [HERE]
My husband hates this song about as much as I do. He does, however, think that the Bing Crosby & David Bowie version is decently tolerable. I beg to differ. There is no such thing as a 'good' or 'tolerable' version of this yuletide stinker. Pa rum pa pum pum?!? I just got stupider typing those words out.

5)  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas by Gayla Peevey [HERE]
The first time I heard this little song I thought, "Aww, that's cute"...until it was still stuck in my head DAYS later. And lucky us, here in Canada one of our major cellphone service providers uses this earworm annually in their Christmas ad campaign, complete with an actual hippo. Oh, and I know that by even mentioning this song here you're now going to have this stuck in your head. You're welcome.

6)  Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid [HERE]
I cannot hear this song without being reminded of the 1980s famine in Ethiopia. I'm like Pavlov's dog. I hear this song and I instantly have Ethiopia on the brain. I suppose that's all fine and good since we should be thinking of those less fortunate at this time of year. But then you listen a little harder to the lyrics and you get this:

     "And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
      Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you (say WHAT?!<--my addition)..."

I'm sorry, you lost me at clanging chimes of doom. And it's a good thing really, because the next line pretty much makes me simultaneously face palm, shake my head, and snort with derision. They actually have the gall to say 'Poor them, but thank Gawd it's them and not me. Phewf!'  (*face palm*). Unreal.

7)  Blue Christmas by practically anyone, but especially Celine Dion [HERE]
You thought Celine Dion was bad? Well, wait 'til you hear this one in particular. It's not just terrible, it's borderline yodel-y terrible. Need I say more?

8)  All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey and...[drum roll] the Biebs [HERE]
I have never been and will NEVER be a Mariah fan. Or a Bieber fan, for that matter. So this little holiday pairing is tantamount to the ninth circle of Hell for me. I had the serious misfortune to see the video of this number and I'm not sure what disturbed me most:
  • Mariah's skeezy little outfit that hopes to be a dress someday when it grows up.
  • The lusty little glances between the Biebs and old-enough-to-be-his-mother Mariah (I did the math and with only a few more years, it would be possible for her to actually be his granny *full body shudder*).
  • The fact that there were several points in the song where I lost track of whose high-pitched girlie voice I was listening to - "It's, wait...I think it might be Bieber?" - eerily similar.
  • Just that they even felt the need to redo this song with these two in the first place. Worst. Idea. Ever.
9)  Go Tell It On the Mountain by Anyone, Anything, Anyhow, Anywhere [HERE]
This wouldn't be such a terrible song if it wasn't for the fact that EVERY SINGLE year growing up we were forced to sing it in our church's Sunday School Christmas pageant. Every year, without a word of a lie. This is the sound of yuletide torture right here. To this day it makes me cringe.

10)  (It Must Have Been Ol') Santa Claus by Harry Connick Jr. [HERE]
It really pains me to say it, because I love Harry Connick Jr. He's just a class act. Unfortunately, this song is like a holiday Lamb Chops Play-Along (sorry, Tracey), or The Song That Doesn't End, or the Barney theme song. Earworm central. Happy Ho Ho Ho to you too, Harry.

I love just about everything about Christmas, but songs like the ones listed above can turn a festive mood foul in a split second. How about you? Any carols that nearly push you over the edge?


  1. OK, so I'm a huge Beatles and Paul McCartney fan, so I'm a sucker for just about anything Macca does. Sure, Wonderful Christmastime is not one of his epic greats, but IMHO, even at his very worst, Macca's better than a whole heck of a lot else that's out there. But that's okay. Not everybody has to be a fan... :)

    I think that line in the Band Aid song was supposed to be a little tongue-in-cheek/sarcastic (it was written by a couple of Brits--well, an Irishman and a Scotsman (Bob Geldof and Midge Ure--so what do you expect?). However, I can see how it could so easily be misconstrued. But honestly, the entire song is chock full of face-plant lines. Bearing in mind that a large portion of Africa is Muslim, do they *care* it's Christmas?? And it's no big shocker that there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas. Especially sub-equatorial Africa, it's SUMMER!! Sigh Sigh Sigh!!

    Have a great Christmas, Jaime! :D


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